Welcome to ALL THINGS BUSINESS Blogs
. Have you ever wondered?
· Why it is that we have disagreements?
· Why we find a perfectly reasonable statement is taken in the wrong way?
· How your instructions or suggestions are not understood or totally misinterpreted?
Great communicators do and it can be as simple as not considering how the recipient will actually receive what you have passed on to them.
In sport it is the equivalent of not understanding how your team mate plays and so not passing the ball in a way, which they like to receive it.
If I am a 5 feet 5 inches tall footballer and you pass a ball to me in the air I may find it difficult to receive, particularly if my opponent is 6 feet 6 inches. You would know that I have more chance of receiving what you have passed if you pass it along the floor. You would know this not just intuitively but because our coach would have had us working together in training and we would have practiced all sorts of differing scenarios.
If I were in your relay team, you would not try to hand over the baton to my left if you know I like it handed to my right. Again we would have worked this out with our coach in training.
During a board meeting of a Championship football club where I was the Chairman, I once had a conversation with our high profile Manager, which I considered was direct, clear and forceful but not personal. Our manager had a similar view and so to us there was no problem, even if we did aggressively disagree on the course of action, which I felt was necessary..
However the rest of the board were uneasy. When the manager had left I asked why they looked so gloomy?
The board were shocked because they perceived the conversation to be aggressive and rude, as a result they were concerned that we were in danger of losing our manager, at quite a crucial moment in the season.
I assured them that the Manager, whilst not agreeing with the instruction had understood the boards perspective, and would carry out our instruction. Further it would not have crossed his mind that the conversation was in any way fatal to our relationship, or his performance.
My assessment turned out to be true, but why? What was it that allowed for an assertive (aggressive to the board) conversation to take place and yield a positive result?
Simple, I understood the secret to unlocking communication blockages and depersonalising the conversation. I had implemented what I learned almost 30 years ago when I was an assistant manager for Safeway Supermarket's in Bournemouth UK.
It was a Saturday around 10am and our Manager one John Alibone (an early hero) was about to sneak off early for his two-week summer holiday and I was going to get my first chance at playing BOSS.
Although I had only been his assistant for several months I was not at all fazed by the responsibility of managing around 100 full and part time staff. In fact I could not see what all the fuss was about.
John did his best to prepare me, talking me through what needed doing, how to prepare for the regional managers inevitable visit, how to schedule staff in an emergency, order placing, stock control, security and much more.
I remember his final words before he left. “Now Rikki remember you are different to most of the staff here and you must make allowances”
I was not sure what he meant, so I smiled, told him to have a great holiday and not to worry about anything. All would be good; I even boasted that sales would be up.
What happened in those two weeks was to teach me a lesson in culture management that I have never forgotten.
The store got exceptionally busy around 11.30 (John had only been gone an hour or so) and we only had two thirds of the checkouts open. There were around 5 cashiers on a tea break (I had screwed up the scheduling) and I asked a supervisor to get the cashiers back to their tills immediately. As they came back to their positions customers were complaining, the que’s seemed to be getting bigger, one of the cashiers demonstrating that she was not happy said “this would not of happened if John was here”
My response was similar to the one I used 30 years later at the football club but had a devastatingly different outcome. I almost caused a walk out of cashiers and had to work hard to convince them to stay at their positions. I also found myself visiting some over the weekend to ensure they would return to work on the Monday.
Although during the two weeks sales were up, feelings amongst us were good and I received a glowing reference from my Manager, I had to work 10 times harder than I would have if I had handled the situation a little better.
So what is that I learned all those years ago?
I learned the importance of differing cultures and in particular that when I “throw a word” it does not necessarily get “caught with the same meaning” my northern (I’m from Liverpool) approach which is, lets say direct, along with my choice of words, was to some, unnecessarily abrupt. Whilst all I wanted was the customer service restored to the correct level, what I conveyed to my colleagues whose help I needed was that the problem was someone else's.
Ever since that episode I have strived to understand the context in which any conversation is taking place. I do not always get it right but the fact that I try to means I win more than I lose.
To make the point come alive try this exercise.
Get together with 4 or 5 friends, family or work colleagues. Tell them you are going to say a word and that you want them to write down their first 5 or so instant responses to what the word means to them. Explain upfront that there is no right or wrong answer.
You will just be making the point that the word we threw was not necessarily the word which was caught.
Although 1 may have the same word in their lists, it is highly likely that not one had the first Three in the same order.
Understanding what is required of us or weather our communication has been received how we intended, has become more difficult in our global society. It can be difficult enough communicating between the north and south let alone different country’s or cultures.
When we “throw” a word it is important that we endeavor to understand how the recipient of the word we have thrown them will “catch” it. We need to check their understanding, allow for differing values and be prepared to change how we communicate with each other.
We intuitively modify our conversation with young children; we seem to accept they may not understand.
If we want to get the best out of each other we need to do the same with all of those we communicate with. A good way of doing this is to pay attention to how others phrase things. It can give you a clue to how they interpret. We can also use this knowledge to bit of mirroring, which allows the recipient to become comfortable. If I change my usually saying of "I know" to your usual "I think", you will be more relaxed.
Some common phrases say a lot about us;
“I think” could mean “I am not sure so I want to check”.
“I see” could mean, “I have the picture but it may need coloring”
“I feel” could be a preamble to “I am not sure I agree” as could both of the above!
We know that sound bite TV and Radio as well as Headlines in News papers can be misleading, we should not be surprised therefore to find instruction without context can have the same effect and reduce our chances of success.
If you adopt this thinking in reverse (make sure you understand others) you will find you get better results all round.
Feedback is always welcome so leave a comment or email me at rikki@thinking.co.uk You can also visit my site www.Thinking.co.uk.